evenings

its 11:05 pm. the dishwasher is slowly lulling me into sleep. i have come to cherish these few moments of the day when the kitchen is finally clean and all of my boys are nestled in their beds dreaming away. the first few weeks of life with Loudon i dreaded nighttime. i knew the night would be comprised of trying to nurse, failing, bottle feeding a screaming child, pumping, boiling and sanitizing pump parts, trying to get him back to sleep, trying to sleep myself, and then waking up an hour and a half later to do it all over again. when Loudon would cry, i would cry. everyone said it would get better, but i had a very difficult time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. it finally came, about two weeks ago. while some days are still difficult, i am able to see the beauty of life again. these days, i shed tears over how precious my son is, how he looks in my eyes and smiles for me because i am his mother. these days, i no longer dread the nighttime, but enjoy the serenity and peace in the stillness and quiet.

i watched an episode of a baby story today. i cry everytime the baby is placed in the mother's arms. i love remembering that moment. i love remembering the labor and delivery that i had. while i was in labor for 16 hours, and i delivered a 9 pound 2 ounce baby naturally, it was absolutely perfect. i am so thankful to the Lord for the beauty of it all.... labor, pain, life, tears, and in the end, smilies.