i find myself loving to read stories of life entering the world. a mothers perspective is completely unique, raw, honest. it is a moment that places a woman at her darkest place where she chooses to press on and embrace the pain, embrace the darkness. the journey of childbirth, while beautiful in and of itself, produces an even more beautiful reward, your child.
i will forewarn you.
this is a raw, honest account of the birth of my son.
enjoy.
saturday. march 26 2011.
it was a trying day. i sat alone on my couch around noon and journaled through my frustration with still being pregnant. i was impatient and felt as if the time was ready for Loudon to arrive, however he had not, and i was still pregnant. contractions had begun that morning but were anywhere from 10-15 minutes apart. they were completely bearable therefore i went for a walk with my sister. we finished the afternoon with spicy chinese food and a nap. that evening contractions were becoming more consistent [about 10 minutes apart]. around 10 pm i went to the bathroom and my mucous plug came out, and at that point i knew Loudon was on his way.
sunday. march 27 2011.
at midnight contractions were between 6-8 minutes apart lasting 15 seconds or so. we headed to bed hoping to get some good sleep before the morning. to my dismay the contractions made it impossible to sleep. i was extremely uncomfortable laying on my side, so there i sat on the bed, headphones in, for about 4 hours, working through my contractions. i woke kendall up around 4, as well as called the midwife, julie. she said that i should probably wait before going in to the hospital and that she would check up on my in a bit. so, i continued to labor at home, writing down the times of my contractions and how long they where lasting. kendall headed off to dunkin donuts for a blueberry muffin and a decaf coffee for me. i found that walking around the house made contractions easier (i would find this to be true for the rest of labor). around 9 am julie called back and asked how i was doing. my contractions were about 3-5 minutes apart and she said that i could go to the hospital whenever i wanted; she called them to let them know i was on my way soon. i talked it over with kendall and decided to head that way around 10, being that we live about 2 minutes from the hospital. however, around 9:30 i needed a change of scenery, so we loaded up in the car and headed to the hospital. i was put right into a room and was checked (being that it was a sunday, there were no scheduled c-sections or inductions, so the floor was relatively quiet and calm, which was sooo nice). i was 90% effaced and 5 centimeters dilated, which was a huge relief. because i was planning on doing the labor and delivery naturally, i only had to be on the heart rate monitor for 15 minutes at a time and then i was able to move/walk/shower for 45 minutes. i progressed well for the first few hours. i walked the halls, showered, hung out on the birthing ball [where my water broke an hour after i got there]. everything was going great, but eventually i stalled out at 8 centimeters for 2 hours. at this point, my midwife said that he wanted my contractions 2 minutes apart, lasting a minute each and intense. she suggested power walking around the hospital. she said if i did not make gain then she would highly recommend pitocin [i had not slept in over 24 hours and had already been laboring for about 13 hours....needless to say i was tired]. my heart sank at those words. i saw my desire for an unmedicated birth slipping away and it was scary. thinking about having medication put into my body through an iv scared me to death, scared me way more than feeling the pain of contractions and labor. my midwife left and kendall said "ok then. let's pray." so we held hands and prayed. prayed for strength, for continued guidance, and prayed for the contractions to pick up. i got up and began pacing the room like a maniac. kendall was timing my contractions, which began coming every two minutes apart. they were lasting a minute and were the most intense contractions i had experienced up until this point. whenever the wave would come i would find my way to kendall, lean against his chest, and sway side to side, breathing through each of them. julie checked on me 30 minutes later and said that i was at 9 centimeters, so she suggested getting in a few different positions. so i got down on my hands and knees. intense pain again. kendall, julie, and the nurse, kept reminding me to relax through each contraction, which i needed to hear. in those moments, i would look at my hands and see that i was making such tight fists. i would relax my hands and just focus on deep breathes. while on my hands and knees i came close to reaching my breaking point. i found myself dangerously close to that line where i would lose all control. i slipped close, but never let myself go there. i knew once i did, it was all over. i kept breathing and focusing on seeing my child for the first time, hearing his cry. after 5-10 minutes, she had me lay on my side and that was more of the same. i told her that i could not stay like that, that it was too uncomfortable, too painful. as blunt as possible [which she needed to be at this point] she told me that any position i got in was going to be painful. so, i sucked it up and pressed up through the contractions that were basically on top of each other. she checked me about 5 minutes later and said "ok, let's have a baby". pushing was the best part of this whole process and was sooo much easier than working through contractions. after 30 minutes, Loudon was laying on chest, crying.
throughout the whole labor and delivery i never shed a tear.
i never let the pain win.
the minute my baby was placed on my chest, i let the tears come. not tears of pain, but tears of joy....oh such joy.
it was truly the best experience of my entire life. i would not have done it any different.
people always asked me if i ever had a moment where i wanted the drugs. the thought never crossed my mind. i never had the goal of not feeling the pain. my goal was to hold my son in my arms. the process of pain was just one part of the journey to new life, and it was worth it.
